Research

So I've spent the past two days consumed by research. For two reasons really, one I'm amazed at how passionate I am about doing this study and two because I know that if I get ahead on this I'll be able to catch a movie with Kenny next weekend. How is it that I'm incredibly focused on school and totally smitten with a boy at the same time? I really am looking forward to getting to know Kenny, I think he'll be a great addition to my group of friends and even if he just turns out to be a friend...he can always make me smile, which is a bonus in my eyes.

So instead of staying up to 2:30 trying to find articles, I'm going to call it a night. Next week I have to scour the campus for faculty members to sit on my committee. That should be interesting...

Harsh Words

If you think twice before speaking once, you will speak twice the better for it. - William Penn

How many people really think before they say something, especially when they're emotionally unbalanced when they're saying it. Recently I had an ex use some harsh words that I don't think he realized were harsh. In his mind he was being truthful and honest. In reality he was saying something that made me feel cheap and hurt. So why don't we slow down when we speak?

In a fast paced world we are constantly being told that faster is better. You search to find the fastest internet service or short-cuts to shave seconds off your commute. Even when it comes to human communication we don't even pick up the phone to call someone anymore, instead we pick up the phone and type a quick message. Is this really what our communication skills are being reduced to? A world of text messaging?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at my ex for his harsh words. Not going down the same path with him again was probably the best thing that could have happened. I do wish that he was a part of my life, but that is not in the cards.

So the next time you pick up your phone to text someone, consider calling them. The sound of someone's voice is so much more comforting than the beep of an incoming text message. In a world driven by fast paced technology and short-cuts we need to spend some time on the slower more meaningful parts of life.

Adorable Boy at School

So anyone who really knows me, knows that I've been crushing on this really sweet guy that comes into work at school. Well thanks to a very slow day on friday I actually had some time to talk to him and I think if anything he'll make a really great friend. We're even going to catch a movie when I get back to school next week. I think I just like the fact that he makes me laugh, he's sweet and that he's not an asshole.

Well I'm back to enjoying my spring break.

P.S. LOVE LOVE LOVE my new macbook!

Taking a leap

And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

- Anais Nin, Danish diarist

So often in life we are faced with situations that bring pain and sorrow. But its how we take these moments in stride that really shows the strength we have. We heal so much faster when we face these emotions head on, deal with them and then discard them. Haha, if only I had figured this out sooner, running from my emotions was such a part of my past but it has no room in my future. I awoke this morning with a smile on my face and a lightness in my step. I think I quite possibly feel more like myself than I have in a long time.

Pain is a necessary part of our lives, it shapes us into who we are and who we are to become. Without pain we would never grow and quite frankly be horribly boring. So I freely open my life to pain because with great pain comes great happiness.

Life really isn't as bad as you make it out to be, everything happens for a reason.

Letting the mind of writer be free

So recently I've started to allow myself to be more creative, and its been amazing. So why is it that writing scares me most of all? Everyone tells me that I'd be a great writer, but they also tell me I'll be a great director, dietitian and physical therapist (as well as a number of other things).

Life just seems so much more easy when I write, I don't have to worry about having bottled up emotions or feelings. The words just flow onto the page and its unlike anything I could ever put words to. But I can't get around this little voice that tells me "writing is not practical."

So I bottle up my thoughts and life becomes more practical. But also more complicated. Along with these vivid thoughts I get comes a very strange side effect. . . vivid emotion. When I write I feel, and when I bottle up that creativity, the emotions get so much stronger when I let them out again. It's almost like a coke bottle that's been shook a few times. The carbonation in the bottle gets things real tense and there's a lot of pressure. And then you open the bottle and everything flows freely, but the pressure and tension has to come out too with the soda.

So I guess I'm the bottle of soda right now that's been shaken. And the cap has been taken off very briefly and only a little of the soda has flown out. I know it sounds silly but do you continue to let the soda come out or wait until everything is settled and just go back to the way things were? Cause eventually if you let the bottle of soda sit, it goes back to normal right?

Please excuse my possibly nonsensical ranting in this post, sometimes you just have to get things out there to really see what you have to work with.

Focus

Did you ever have one of those eye-opening experiences that shows you a side of yourself that you may have been ignoring? I think I just had one of those. For awhile now I would have considered myself a very focused person. I had a goal and I worked towards it. But recently I've let my life kind of live it self...and I've been happier. A lot happier actually.

But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. After eating crap the past few days, (I don't think I've even had one meal that you could consider an actual meal), being somewhat relaxed about completing homework and working way too much I have realized that some focus is needed.

So I'll focus a little more on my homework and following a healthy diet. But I'm not striving for being perfect all the time. And I think I will have to evaluate my work schedule and see where I need to cut back. There are so many amazing things happening in my life right now, I don't want to miss any of them, but if I have to, I have to.

Waiting for my prince to come

Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you flat out how much I love princesses. In fact a really good friend of mine works in the framing department and when two Disney princess prints came in she automatically knew they were the perfect Christmas present for me (and oh how she was right). When we went to Disney for new years last year they barely could get me out of the princess store and I was half tempted to buy one of the little girls princess dress up gowns, I would have made it fit. My eyes would light up every time we saw one of the princess characters walking around and they'd have to remind me to keep walking or I would have turned and followed them.

So why am I addicted to these fairy tale characters?

Might stem from the fact that I've always dreamed of being swept off my feet by my own "prince." Or that after all of these years of really bad dating scenarios, finally one would work out and I'd ride off into the sunset with the man I love. Well let me tell you, the sweeping has yet to happen. I've been tripped, punched and smacked...but no sweeping. Maybe I fall for the wrong guy or I have bought too much into the happy ending idea. Maybe I've let the bad guys trick me into not believing anymore. That should change.

Shouldn't every girl have her fairy tale ending?

We all have our own versions of our fairy tale endings. In a perfect world, I'd ride off into not the sunset but my barn. And that barn would be next to my fairy tale house and both of those would be on the ideal equestrian facility. I'd spend my days teaching eager kids and adults how to ride like they only ever dreamed they could. I'd spend time working with the best coaches in the hopes that one day I would get to ride in the Olympics (huge huge huge dream of mine). I'd be a mom, and I'd live happily ever after with my family. I'd have the opportunity to travel, enjoy hobbies like photography and theatre and be genuinely happy. Now I know that I could do the coaching thing, I'm rather good actually...and that's not bragging...I've just spent a lot of time perfecting what I did (up until my injury and then with others after the injury).

I think if I wasn't teaching I'd be happy being a photojournalist or a writer, two passions that most people don't know I have. Its not that I'm not open about them, I just don't see them as financially stable. Well that is unless I find a dreamy and really hot doctor and he can financially support me.

So where am I now?

I'm in love with a man, who I think could provide me with the world if he wanted to. And maybe he'll come to the conclusion that he wants to. Can I see spending the rest of my life with him, not right now but maybe eventually. Right now I can't even see what I'm doing at the end of the year, let alone for the rest of my life. But that is a whole blog entry in itself.

The spring semester starts on Monday, and right now its looking to be a rough semester. But I just have to keep telling myself that this chapter of my fairy tale will be over in less than 11 months. Maybe this will be the year that I finally get "swept" or as close as you can get to it, by the man in my life now or the man I'm supposed to be with. He has to be out there somewhere.

So I close with a quote from my favorite princess story: Cinderella.

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.

I really can be an idiot sometimes

You know I could probably write a book about all the things you shouldn't do if you want to keep your guy around.

It ultimately makes me ask the question:

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

• I talk about the future, sometimes on a daily basis. WHY, why oh why do I do this? I don't even really want to get married right now, maybe engaged but not until I'm closer to graduation. So maybe I should make a resolution to talk less, might do me a world of good.
  
• I have a trust issue. Granted this stems from something that happened in the past. But if I really love this man then I should be able to put that behind me and not turn into jealous girl every time he talks to another girl.
  
• I think there are times where I have picked fights with him. Maybe its a safety mechanism that I do this so that I ensure that my heart doesn't get broken again. But in the long run I'm just breaking my heart for me. I do love this man, and I love having him back in my life. Why in the world would I want to push him away on purpose?
• I get upset when I don't hear from him. Maybe I forget that he has a life or that he is a man. This is probably a combination of trust and paranoia. I wish there was a magic pill that I could take to make this go away. But I think its a huge step for me to even give him the time of day considering I am known to carry a grudge...ask my mother's parents...I didn't talk to them for 17 years for the horrible things they did when I was younger.
  
• I think I have unrealistic expectations from this relationship right now, with non-long distance relationships I could pout and the boy would show up at my door most likely within hours.
  

So there are some things I need to change about myself:

• Be more trusting
• Less paranoia
• Look at this from a realistic perspective
• Realize that I do love him and if he loves me as much as he says he does, this will work out.
  
• Patience...that's going to be tough
• Keep my mouth shut and my fingers away from the keyboard more.
  

I wish that I'd wake up tomorrow and find out that a rich aunt or uncle has died and left me a small sum of money or I win the lottery. Then I could make plans to visit him. I think a lot of my fears and concerns can be solved by just seeing him. Its been almost 6 years...its time.

Jealousy

"Jealousy is that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves"
-- Joseph Addison


I never really would have considered myself a jealous person until recently. Growing up I had always been on the other side, dealing with jealous girlfriends of the guys who I was good friends with. In fact, growing up I had more guy friends than girls, mainly because they were so much easier to get along with. But now I fear I have turned into one of them. . .

. . . and I hate it.

So where does jealousy stem from, the quote above seems to think that it is from feeling that you are not equally loved, some say it is a self-esteem issue and others see it as a trust issue. For me I know I have the self-esteem problem, but that usually comes with eating disorders and I don't try to ignore the fact that I have one (well two...but who is counting really?). With this guy I may have a trust issue, but its nothing like it was I seem to have moved past the "once bitten, twice shy" feelings. And for the equal love, the distance does make it hard to really tell if he loves me as much as he says he does, but I want to believe it with all my heart because I do love him and fear I always will (not that its a bad thing...at least not yet).

So that really leaves me nowhere right? Well I think I have a more combination answer to my question. I think in many relationships we try to make ourselves appear more likeable to those we wish to be with. In my case I feel inadequate in the fact that he enjoys conversing with other women more than me. I could ideally change myself to make myself less serious and more carefree but that would be changing who I am. Though I am quite carefree and silly when I'm with my friends, so I don't know why I am unable to be this way with him.

I think my other problem is my fear of words. That's right, I'm a writer that is afraid of words...sounds silly doesn't it? Let me try to explain. Rather...let me sum up. I love words, but I need to see the emotions expressed with them to truly love them. I honestly hate IM, ask anyone, I feel it is the downfall of human communication. Phone conversations are mildly better in the fact that the human voice enhances the words that we use. But person to person communication, that is something that cannot be beat. Communication is only facilitated by the use of words, but it is comprised of so much more. Voice inflection, body posture, facial expressions and so much more make up this amazing phenomenon we call communication. If you step back and really examine how we communicate as a species you see so much more than if you just listen.

So how does all of that relate to jealousy? I stumble over words with this boy, he truly makes my fingers "tongue tied." Its not so much that he makes me nervous, but that I feel I have to compete with this higher caliber of woman that maybe I'll never be. I am quite content with being the slightly clumsy, very open yet somewhat guarded girl that I am. I am silly in person and yet able to hold an intelligent conversation about almost anything when required. Maybe I need to step back and trust him when he says they are just friends. I only wish that he enjoyed conversing with me a bit more. Granted I have his interest captured in other areas, but what girl doesn't want to be the complete package?

Finding Comfort

So what do you do when you need to keep your mind off things?

Everyone I've talked to seems to have an idea of how to get my mind off something that is really bothering me. Some tell me that I should spend more time at the gym, some tell me to write, some to have a piece of chocolate or to even get swept away by a good book.

But when I really want to get my mind off things...I watch movies. Usually the girliest romantic comedies I can find. So far today it has been The Prince and Me 2 followed by The Prince and Me...hey I can't help it that TBS ran them backwards. Now I've moved onto Emma. If I had my own movies here I probably would have put in Ever After, Pride & Prejudice, The Holiday, The Notebook or even Shakespeare in Love.

So what is it that draws me to these movies, maybe I enjoy being swept up in the almost fairy tale story lines. Some, particularly the period movies allow me to enter a world I could never experience otherwise. Maybe its because romance like that doesn't seem to appear as frequently or as grandly as they portray it.

In the end it puts the thoughts I wish to ignore out of my head for a bit and allows me to escape to a happier place. I do also from time to time enjoy a good book or even sit down and write my own romantic comedies. But for now, romantic movies shall be my drug of choice.