I really can be an idiot sometimes

You know I could probably write a book about all the things you shouldn't do if you want to keep your guy around.

It ultimately makes me ask the question:

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

• I talk about the future, sometimes on a daily basis. WHY, why oh why do I do this? I don't even really want to get married right now, maybe engaged but not until I'm closer to graduation. So maybe I should make a resolution to talk less, might do me a world of good.
  
• I have a trust issue. Granted this stems from something that happened in the past. But if I really love this man then I should be able to put that behind me and not turn into jealous girl every time he talks to another girl.
  
• I think there are times where I have picked fights with him. Maybe its a safety mechanism that I do this so that I ensure that my heart doesn't get broken again. But in the long run I'm just breaking my heart for me. I do love this man, and I love having him back in my life. Why in the world would I want to push him away on purpose?
• I get upset when I don't hear from him. Maybe I forget that he has a life or that he is a man. This is probably a combination of trust and paranoia. I wish there was a magic pill that I could take to make this go away. But I think its a huge step for me to even give him the time of day considering I am known to carry a grudge...ask my mother's parents...I didn't talk to them for 17 years for the horrible things they did when I was younger.
  
• I think I have unrealistic expectations from this relationship right now, with non-long distance relationships I could pout and the boy would show up at my door most likely within hours.
  

So there are some things I need to change about myself:

• Be more trusting
• Less paranoia
• Look at this from a realistic perspective
• Realize that I do love him and if he loves me as much as he says he does, this will work out.
  
• Patience...that's going to be tough
• Keep my mouth shut and my fingers away from the keyboard more.
  

I wish that I'd wake up tomorrow and find out that a rich aunt or uncle has died and left me a small sum of money or I win the lottery. Then I could make plans to visit him. I think a lot of my fears and concerns can be solved by just seeing him. Its been almost 6 years...its time.