Jealousy

"Jealousy is that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves"
-- Joseph Addison


I never really would have considered myself a jealous person until recently. Growing up I had always been on the other side, dealing with jealous girlfriends of the guys who I was good friends with. In fact, growing up I had more guy friends than girls, mainly because they were so much easier to get along with. But now I fear I have turned into one of them. . .

. . . and I hate it.

So where does jealousy stem from, the quote above seems to think that it is from feeling that you are not equally loved, some say it is a self-esteem issue and others see it as a trust issue. For me I know I have the self-esteem problem, but that usually comes with eating disorders and I don't try to ignore the fact that I have one (well two...but who is counting really?). With this guy I may have a trust issue, but its nothing like it was I seem to have moved past the "once bitten, twice shy" feelings. And for the equal love, the distance does make it hard to really tell if he loves me as much as he says he does, but I want to believe it with all my heart because I do love him and fear I always will (not that its a bad thing...at least not yet).

So that really leaves me nowhere right? Well I think I have a more combination answer to my question. I think in many relationships we try to make ourselves appear more likeable to those we wish to be with. In my case I feel inadequate in the fact that he enjoys conversing with other women more than me. I could ideally change myself to make myself less serious and more carefree but that would be changing who I am. Though I am quite carefree and silly when I'm with my friends, so I don't know why I am unable to be this way with him.

I think my other problem is my fear of words. That's right, I'm a writer that is afraid of words...sounds silly doesn't it? Let me try to explain. Rather...let me sum up. I love words, but I need to see the emotions expressed with them to truly love them. I honestly hate IM, ask anyone, I feel it is the downfall of human communication. Phone conversations are mildly better in the fact that the human voice enhances the words that we use. But person to person communication, that is something that cannot be beat. Communication is only facilitated by the use of words, but it is comprised of so much more. Voice inflection, body posture, facial expressions and so much more make up this amazing phenomenon we call communication. If you step back and really examine how we communicate as a species you see so much more than if you just listen.

So how does all of that relate to jealousy? I stumble over words with this boy, he truly makes my fingers "tongue tied." Its not so much that he makes me nervous, but that I feel I have to compete with this higher caliber of woman that maybe I'll never be. I am quite content with being the slightly clumsy, very open yet somewhat guarded girl that I am. I am silly in person and yet able to hold an intelligent conversation about almost anything when required. Maybe I need to step back and trust him when he says they are just friends. I only wish that he enjoyed conversing with me a bit more. Granted I have his interest captured in other areas, but what girl doesn't want to be the complete package?