They tell you a good girl is quiet
That you should never ask why
Cause it only makes it harder to fit in
You should be happy, excited
Even if you're just invited
Cause the winners need someone to clap for them
It's so hard just waiting
In a line that never moves
It's time you started making
Your own rules
You gotta scream until there's nothing left
With your last breath
So here I am
Here I am
Make em listen
Cause there is no way you'll be ignored
Not anymore
So here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Here I am
You only get one life to work it
So who cares if it's not perfect
I say it's close enough to perfect for me
Why should you hide from the thunder
And the lightening that your under
Cause there ain't nobody else you want to be
If how your living isn't working
There's one thing that will help
You gotta finally just stop searching
To find yourself
[Chorus]
The world better make some room
Yea move over, over
Cause your coming through
Cause your coming through
[Chorus]
So we're about to ring in the new year. I chose to post the lyrics to the above song, Here I Am, because its pretty much my theme song for 2009. I won't tell you what its from or why I know about you because you'd make fun of me and its besides the point. I often feel like I hide out in the shadows and I think that needs to change.
So for 2009, I resolve to let myself shine, there's no reason that the world shouldn't see how amazing I am. And that may seem conceited, but we're all amazing in some way or another and everyone should see that. The end of 2008 has really made me step back and take a look at myself and I think it will help 2009 be a memorable year of new beginnings and the start of many phenomenal years yet to come.
I have so many dreams that I can only focus on a few this year, I'm going to graduate from grad school, maybe apply to a physical therapy program but most of all, I'm going to focus on being me and not what everyone else wants me to be. And hopefully sometime in 2009, I'll find myself in the arms of the man I love, something that I only seem to be able to dream about right now.
So to the few people who read this:
Happy New Years to you all, may your 2009 be as blessed as I know mine will be!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Technology
As I sit here I'm surrounded by my cell phone, two ipods, an HDTV and a beautiful 20 inch imac. In my purse you'll find a digital camera, my portable GPS unit and a PDA (that I won't even use anymore). You would think that with all of this technology that my life would be extremely easy but I find it is probably more complicated than it should be.
I used to be one of those people that would carry a PDA and a paper organizer. Its redundant, I know, but I thought it would better for me. First I would write down an appointment in the paper organizer and then I'd go into my PDA and record it there too. I really need to work on letting things go. Finally I parted ways with the paper organizer because I found myself recording some appointments in one place but not another and it was a mess.
I remember when I would just grab a pen and paper and go to town if I wanted to write. Now if I want to write, I have to get my desk to be perfect. The light in the room has to be just perfect. I have to eliminate as many of the distractions that I can and then hope that my computer doesn't erase something. I'm waiting for the day that one of my characters says "did you remember to save" because that's the mantra I run through my head as I type. With the pen and paper there was so much more freedom, I could relocate myself if my surroundings weren't just right where I was. Maybe its time for me to start looking at laptops.
There are areas that technology has made my life immensely easier. My ipod...now ipods...are a life saver. I love music so much and now I can have it at my fingertips without having to lug a million CDs wherever I go. Though my ipod touch, which I love, could prove to be a major distraction. This afternoon, instead of studying anatomy I found myself twittering, playing a game and reading a book. Its a bundle of greatness that could be the undoing of my graduate experience. But I am stronger than the ipod touch. I think it will come in handy, there are flash card programs that I can make my own flash cards and then carry them with me. When you're known to have 8 inch stacks of notecards for certain exams, this will be a huge space saver.
I think over the next year I'm going to look into stream lining some of my electronics. Maybe cut back to one ipod and a laptop. Though I probably will always have more electronics than I could ever need. I don't think I could ever advocate completely eliminating technology from my life, but I think I need to learn to balance it better in my life.
I used to be one of those people that would carry a PDA and a paper organizer. Its redundant, I know, but I thought it would better for me. First I would write down an appointment in the paper organizer and then I'd go into my PDA and record it there too. I really need to work on letting things go. Finally I parted ways with the paper organizer because I found myself recording some appointments in one place but not another and it was a mess.
I remember when I would just grab a pen and paper and go to town if I wanted to write. Now if I want to write, I have to get my desk to be perfect. The light in the room has to be just perfect. I have to eliminate as many of the distractions that I can and then hope that my computer doesn't erase something. I'm waiting for the day that one of my characters says "did you remember to save" because that's the mantra I run through my head as I type. With the pen and paper there was so much more freedom, I could relocate myself if my surroundings weren't just right where I was. Maybe its time for me to start looking at laptops.
There are areas that technology has made my life immensely easier. My ipod...now ipods...are a life saver. I love music so much and now I can have it at my fingertips without having to lug a million CDs wherever I go. Though my ipod touch, which I love, could prove to be a major distraction. This afternoon, instead of studying anatomy I found myself twittering, playing a game and reading a book. Its a bundle of greatness that could be the undoing of my graduate experience. But I am stronger than the ipod touch. I think it will come in handy, there are flash card programs that I can make my own flash cards and then carry them with me. When you're known to have 8 inch stacks of notecards for certain exams, this will be a huge space saver.
I think over the next year I'm going to look into stream lining some of my electronics. Maybe cut back to one ipod and a laptop. Though I probably will always have more electronics than I could ever need. I don't think I could ever advocate completely eliminating technology from my life, but I think I need to learn to balance it better in my life.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I Love You
"I loved him. He needed time to think and that was ok- he was worth waiting for... and waiting for... and waiting for. Finally I realized I had waited away my life for an answer he had already given me: Had he loved me back, I would not have had to wait."
I guess you could say that I'm afraid of love. Those three little words are incredibly hard for me to say and mean at the same time. Yet I can write about it all I want, in fact much of my writing would be considered romantic comedy.
So why did I fall for it this time. Up until about a week ago you could have said I was in love. Its amazing what a week can do. For me it was a sobering experience. Though I think it would be less painful if the last words he said to me were "I love you." So how do you go from saying that to having no contact for over a week? It couldn't have been something I said or did because I said I love you back, and I meant it.
Or maybe it was something I said or didn't say or did or didn't did. I never know with this one, yet I don't find myself wanting to be with him less. But like I said, a week without communication was a sobering experience. Do I love him...yeah without a doubt. But is it really healthy to love someone who finds it difficult to open up to you without being interrogated? Even though I've got investigative journalism skills, relationships are the one place I don't want to have to use them.
So life goes back to normal, I focus on school and the life that everyone has laid out for me. Is it what I want, probably not. But the life I want seems so far out of reach, like the fairy tale every little girl dreams of.
--Anonymous
I guess you could say that I'm afraid of love. Those three little words are incredibly hard for me to say and mean at the same time. Yet I can write about it all I want, in fact much of my writing would be considered romantic comedy.
So why did I fall for it this time. Up until about a week ago you could have said I was in love. Its amazing what a week can do. For me it was a sobering experience. Though I think it would be less painful if the last words he said to me were "I love you." So how do you go from saying that to having no contact for over a week? It couldn't have been something I said or did because I said I love you back, and I meant it.
Or maybe it was something I said or didn't say or did or didn't did. I never know with this one, yet I don't find myself wanting to be with him less. But like I said, a week without communication was a sobering experience. Do I love him...yeah without a doubt. But is it really healthy to love someone who finds it difficult to open up to you without being interrogated? Even though I've got investigative journalism skills, relationships are the one place I don't want to have to use them.
So life goes back to normal, I focus on school and the life that everyone has laid out for me. Is it what I want, probably not. But the life I want seems so far out of reach, like the fairy tale every little girl dreams of.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Brain in Overdrive
So recently I started writing again and I'm having trouble shutting my brain off. I remember having this problem before. I worked really hard to shut it off the last time, but it meant I had to stop writing. So that brings me to my question of the day.
How do you balance doing something practical with doing what you love, especially when what you love tends to consume you?
I love to write, I've fought it many times but I really do love to write. Its one of the best creative outlets for me. I've tried other options: singing, dancing, acting and painting. Writing has been the best for me and no where near the catastrophe that painting was. I've been blessed with a very active imagination capable of playing stories through my head like movies as I write them. Unfortunately its a little over active. When I'm really in the zone, it sometimes takes days for my brain to calm down. I'll lay in bed wide awake unable to slow down enough to fall asleep. Eventually I get it to slow down a bit but its not easy.
I'm currently in school getting my masters in kinesiology. Which seems very silly and completely different from my true passion. If things keep progressing the way they are, I'll probably end up in a Doctorate of Physical Therapy program and spend the rest of my life working with athletes. Not exactly the ideal life for a writer, right?
So that leaves me with my dilemma. If I want to write really really good stuff, I need to focus completely on my writing. If I try to half focus on it, I write crap, complete and utter crap. If I focus on the practical path, there's no writing because I'll need all my brain power to get me through school.
Its hard to imagine sometimes but, I know I would be completely ecstatic spending the rest of my life with a pen, paper and a laptop. But that means I'd have to take a chance on the impractical path. As a physical therapist I'd be financially stable and be in a stable job market. If only someone would come along and hit me over the head with a paper containing an ad for a good paying writing gig. I think I'd write anything, I love sports, travel, theatre, arts and movies, there has to be something out there in one of those areas, right? Unfortunately no one is holding that magical paper.
So where am I now, after this somewhat long winded rant? Starring at page 4 of my current writing project. I'm starring because my brain is having an argument over whether or not to continue. I think my love for writing and my doing the practical thing dilemma is what's keeping me from getting completely into my writing. My mind is there, well half of it, furiously plotting and planning what comes next. But the other half is pissed because I left my anatomy book in Harrisburg and I could be doing some studying for Anatomy next semester. My heart is desperately leaning towards the writing project, but its too much in love with the brain to disobey either half. I had hoped to be less conflicted by the end of this post. But I find I'm not. Well I am a little, but I wouldn't admit that.
All dreams are obtainable if you believe.
I believe, I really believe...why do my dreams seem to be just out of my reach?
How do you balance doing something practical with doing what you love, especially when what you love tends to consume you?
I love to write, I've fought it many times but I really do love to write. Its one of the best creative outlets for me. I've tried other options: singing, dancing, acting and painting. Writing has been the best for me and no where near the catastrophe that painting was. I've been blessed with a very active imagination capable of playing stories through my head like movies as I write them. Unfortunately its a little over active. When I'm really in the zone, it sometimes takes days for my brain to calm down. I'll lay in bed wide awake unable to slow down enough to fall asleep. Eventually I get it to slow down a bit but its not easy.
I'm currently in school getting my masters in kinesiology. Which seems very silly and completely different from my true passion. If things keep progressing the way they are, I'll probably end up in a Doctorate of Physical Therapy program and spend the rest of my life working with athletes. Not exactly the ideal life for a writer, right?
So that leaves me with my dilemma. If I want to write really really good stuff, I need to focus completely on my writing. If I try to half focus on it, I write crap, complete and utter crap. If I focus on the practical path, there's no writing because I'll need all my brain power to get me through school.
Its hard to imagine sometimes but, I know I would be completely ecstatic spending the rest of my life with a pen, paper and a laptop. But that means I'd have to take a chance on the impractical path. As a physical therapist I'd be financially stable and be in a stable job market. If only someone would come along and hit me over the head with a paper containing an ad for a good paying writing gig. I think I'd write anything, I love sports, travel, theatre, arts and movies, there has to be something out there in one of those areas, right? Unfortunately no one is holding that magical paper.
So where am I now, after this somewhat long winded rant? Starring at page 4 of my current writing project. I'm starring because my brain is having an argument over whether or not to continue. I think my love for writing and my doing the practical thing dilemma is what's keeping me from getting completely into my writing. My mind is there, well half of it, furiously plotting and planning what comes next. But the other half is pissed because I left my anatomy book in Harrisburg and I could be doing some studying for Anatomy next semester. My heart is desperately leaning towards the writing project, but its too much in love with the brain to disobey either half. I had hoped to be less conflicted by the end of this post. But I find I'm not. Well I am a little, but I wouldn't admit that.
All dreams are obtainable if you believe.
I believe, I really believe...why do my dreams seem to be just out of my reach?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
In Remembrance
“I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places. Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality.”
H. A. Overstreet
I searched all over for just the right quote about music, but the closest I could find was the one listed above. As a child I was surrounded by music, my parents would play everything from 70's rock music to early classic broadway. My grandfather was a jazz musician and played three instruments: saxophone, clarinet and flute. From the day I was born I was destined to play that flute, and for my grandfather I would have played it on my head.
Sadly for my family we lost my grandfather very early, and even though I was only 10 at the time I truly understood what a loss it was. He was such a great man, everyone always wanted to be around him. He was like the glue holding us together, and without him we became divided. Even now, seventeen years since his passing, I wonder what our family would be like if he was still here.
I would probably still be playing the flute, and I'd be singing. We'd have Christmas Eve family gatherings. I'd go to hear him play jazz every chance I could get. He would have taken better care of my grandmother and maybe her Alzheimer's wouldn't have progressed like it did. I'd be driving a different car (but I'm not bitter...nope not one bit...haha).
I think what I miss most about him is his energy for life, and the passion that he had for life. In many ways I'm exactly like him. He's given me a love for music that at times has gotten me through some tough situations. I think the only person in the world that loved Christmas more than I did was him. I still love Christmas, hell its my favorite time of year because its almost a magical time. But since his passing was just a few weeks before Christmas, I still get a little sad and realize how much I miss him. So this entry is in remembrance of my Grandpa Kieffer, may he be playing and painting his days away in Heaven.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Dreams
Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott, author
So a really great friend recently told me that I have too many dreams and that maybe it would be best to make a list of all of the things I know I won't do. And while this sounded silly to me at first, maybe its a good idea. I'm not getting rid of any of my dreams, just ruling out things that I know I'll never get around to. So here goes...
Things I will Never Do:
Things I want to do before I die:
- Louisa May Alcott, author
So a really great friend recently told me that I have too many dreams and that maybe it would be best to make a list of all of the things I know I won't do. And while this sounded silly to me at first, maybe its a good idea. I'm not getting rid of any of my dreams, just ruling out things that I know I'll never get around to. So here goes...
Things I will Never Do:
- Go to Med School
- Go to India
- Go to the South Pole
- Go to the North Pole
- Own a motorcycle
- Run/Bike across the country
- Live in the Midwest
- Climb Mount Everest
- Be the President
- Visit every country on the planet
- Get every degree known to man
- Be a fashion designer
- Be a circus performer
- Be able to solve everyone's problems
- Be a racecar driver
- Be a firefighter
- Be a hair stylist
- Serve in the military
- Play a professional sport
- Be a professional musician
- Run a marathon
- Be a princess
- Marry a prince
- Be on a reality TV show
- Be a registered dietitian
- Win a million dollars at a casino
- Be a cheerleader (well not in public...)
- Be a professional dancer
- Be a stripper (well again...not in public...)
- Live in Alaska
Things I want to do before I die:
- Be an amazing wife and mother
- Write and sell a movie
- Find a career that I love but also lets me have a life
- Go to the Olympics just once
- Travel all over Europe
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
You have to know where you've been to know where you're going.
"You have to know where you've been to know where you're going"Ask anyone who's known me for a few years, I'm scary good at dieting. And yeah its hard at times because people will judge me on what I eat or they'll even go as far as making fun of what I eat. People make comments on the fact that I usually spend six to seven days a week in the gym. I don't even really diet anymore, I've just made some permanent adjustments to my life so I don't get back to where I've been.
But I'm human and I slip up, I eat too much or I don't eat enough. Sometimes I workout too hard and sometimes I skip my time at the gym because I'm busy or just don't feel like it. I read books on weight loss, I watch weight loss shows and I even have two weight loss blogs. So why write this post? Sometimes its frustrating and I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere. And I'm there. So I guess this post is more for me, and not for the one or two people who may read this.
January 2005, was a rough year for me. I hit an all-time high weight and I've never looked back. I'm not quite back down to where I want to be, but my confidence level is boosted and I think within the next six months I will get to my happy weight. While my journey seems to have hit a plateau, I hope to the scales show a loss soon. The photo above shows where I've been, the one below shows where I am now and I can only look better as I move into the future. I have made some progress and I think I look better than I did just a couple of years ago. Which makes me feel better. I get stronger with each training session and I'm happy, I don't think I could ask for more...well other than for the scale to start moving again.
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"
Monday, December 15, 2008
Longwood Gardens
Anyone who knows me that I find myself completely at ease behind a camera. I usually have a camera on me all the time, whether its my Digital SLR or just my digital point and shoot. So this first entry is of a place that you will often find me, snapping away.
Longwood Gardens
Longwood Gardens is quite possibly my favorite place in the world. I think I have close to 2,000 photos from there, well probably more now that I think about it.
I think its a combination of the beauty found there and the fact that I always see something I hadn't seen the trip before. I haven't been back in awhile, I'm thinking a trip might need to be planned for the future.
Though summer will always be my favorite season at the gardens, there is something to be loved by the beauty found there during the Christmas season. I've always loved Christmas, so why wouldn't I love the combination of my favorite season and favorite place?
Longwood breaks out the Christmas decorations, brings in the Christmas Trees and so much more. They book entertainment to really bring the season alive and I never leave there with anything but great memories.
So if you find yourself with some time to spare, swing by Longwood Gardens. Its so much more than just a garden.
Longwood Gardens
Longwood Gardens is quite possibly my favorite place in the world. I think I have close to 2,000 photos from there, well probably more now that I think about it.I think its a combination of the beauty found there and the fact that I always see something I hadn't seen the trip before. I haven't been back in awhile, I'm thinking a trip might need to be planned for the future.
Though summer will always be my favorite season at the gardens, there is something to be loved by the beauty found there during the Christmas season. I've always loved Christmas, so why wouldn't I love the combination of my favorite season and favorite place?
Longwood breaks out the Christmas decorations, brings in the Christmas Trees and so much more. They book entertainment to really bring the season alive and I never leave there with anything but great memories.
So if you find yourself with some time to spare, swing by Longwood Gardens. Its so much more than just a garden.
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